PIFS Education Committee Presents:
Fostering Strong Sibling Relationships

A Presentation by Christine D’Alessandro
Head of Lower School, Sacred Heart Greenwich

Thanks to everyone who came to hear Christine D’Alessandro last week. The event was well-received and well-attended. For those of you who couldn’t make it, here are some highlights from her presentation. 

• Limiting beliefs, such as stereotypes (example, the “baby” of family), stand in the way of handling a situation impartially. Try to avoid such stereotyping. 
  
  
• Children want to be heard. Often just acknowledging and naming their emotion (“You feel frustrated”) can mediate a tense situation. Once more calm, a more productive conversation can be had.
  
  
• For young siblings (toddlers), we can’t expect a relationship; a three-year-old isn’t interested in a friendship with his brother quite yet. Rather, help build a process for respecting boundaries. 
  
  
• When conflict inevitably arises…
  • Parents need to be aware of their own emotions. You can’t de-escalate an escalated child/situation until you are in a calm and collected space yourself.
  • Don’t just side with the victim. This can create a victim mentality. 
  • Outbursts are information. Let the situation inform you about who needs what, and try to help it become a teachable moment about boundaries.
    • “It’s ok to have fun, it’s not ok to ________.” 
    • Both sides want to be heard. Acknowledge that you hear each child, and validate their feelings. 
    • “What is it that you need right now?”
      

• Take care not to compare your children to one another. Use positive reinforcement for each child, recognizing each for themselves. 
  
  
• For a child who is often inflexible or has many boundaries, help avoid limiting self-growth by encouraging flexibility without causing discomfort. 
  • “You have the capacity to be ______ (kind, expressive, flexible, helpful, etc.), now go do it.”
    
• Recommended titles for further reading:
  • Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
  • How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber & Julie King
  • The Collapse of Parenting by Leonard Sax
  • 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do by Amy Morin